There are some words that make you vibe well with others. One of them is Exactly!
Its like a compliment, without being a compliment. It makes them feel good…it makes me feel good at least. And I can’t be the only one who likes to be profusely agreed with. It is a nice bonding word I think. There is always a nice warm feeling after someone says Exaaactly! Especially if they mean it.
:)
I have relaxed about God now, coz when I get flustered with self doubts and others’ challenges, he’s all like ‘relax, its okay’. He’s so sweet really. And then in this relaxation, I could condense some feelings into words. I have always sort of empathised with atheists and agnostics and people who really don’t care or think about any of it. I mean, I think I get why they feel the way they do..and that its easily possible that if I had been in a different circumstance or a slightly different person, I would have felt the same. But the thing is, I’m not.
If you have an imaginary friend..suppose you’ve always had an imaginary friend, since when you can remember..and she’s always been there for you. You tell her things, she consoles you, gives you strength. I mean, you know she’s not REAL like the girl next door, but she exists, even if only in an imaginary world. Like imaginary numbers. They aren’t real, but they’re there and you can do things with them. So when you’re about 10 or something, the other kids find out about this imaginary friend and they’re all like ‘oh my god, that’s so lame’ and then you’re like ‘well not as lame as you’. And then someone writes a book about how you are deluded, and how mad it makes him and many of the smart kids agree. So then you begin to wonder, ‘Is this actually lame?’ ‘Do I stop talking to her now?’ ‘Is she not real?’. And she knows you so well, so she knows you’re thinking, and she’s like ‘I’m not like you, but I’m here’. Beyond this point, it really depends on the kind of person you are, or how attached you may have become to this imaginary friend. I get attached easily and I can’t just stop talking to people you know. I don’t see any point in cutting someone off for no reason. Of course, if my imaginary friend is telling me to shoot people or telling me I’m useless all the time, then well she isn’t really a FRIEND and I would cut her off…imaginary or real. And I also tend to imagine that everything has a ’soul’..I mean it’s existing, its here and that’s something. But some people don’t feel like this at all I guess or feel it to varying degrees. Many are more about what they can touch and see and count, and they’d rather not have some imaginary friend. Which is also fine yeah. Friends imposed upon you are no fun, no friends.
Anyway, this imaginary friend is not God. I’m only saying that even though God is not there in some people’s heads, he is there in mine and it is hard to communicate it coz its a thing of qualia ( I can’t show you how I see green). I wonder if you can ever prove or disprove the REALITY of his existence and all of that – opens up so many philosophical questions one after the other, its confusing, you can’t get a foothold. So he was like ‘ok so even if im not real, or im not true or whatever it is that man wants proof of me to be, would you still want me to stick around ?’. and I was like ‘yeah.. :)’. Such a relief.
As for people killing for the sake of religion, I really think those people could or could be made to kill and fight for other things - oil, money, community, fun, vengeance, POWER, defence. For that matter, if we weren’t so rational and ‘intelligent’ and advanced, it would all be so much more peaceful, but this does not mean that rationality is bad in itself, or non-existent. We are a violent lot.
As for our ever increasing understanding of the universe, I say the gap of ignorance hasn’t really been bridged or will ever be. I like to think we are like men building a bridge over an infinitely wide river, otherwise it would be pretty boring and unfair to the later generations. I mean think about it, people from the bronze age must have felt that they know as much as we think we know now, of what is to be known.
So see, its okay Dick, its all okay.
So then, where were we, friends ? My regular readers, the random reader, foes, family, critics, robots, intra and extra galactic followers, the intelligence, future historians, leaders, where were we? When all that happened…eh? What was I saying? It doesn’t matter. We don’t need any background. Forget all that. This is new ground. Isn’t that nice? I feel so happy when someone’s like ‘ok you don’t need to know anything for this. no prerequisites’. Its just in and of itself. Self contained. That’s nice yeah? Coz most things are so painfully interrelated and built on top of each other, its overwhelming. Like if you miss one thing, you feel doomed. I kid myself , I tell myself I’m not doomed, but really I am.
By now, you may or may not be feeling that this is going to be a.hell.of.a.pointless.post. I only want to write something. I got fed up of not writing, just because I have so many issues with my own writing. You know, I don’t like the sound of my writing voice. It’s dull. Or too boppy when its not. And I write as if I have nothing worth saying. Its just, I don’t feel like saying things. I feel everyone knows all of that already. So what’s the use? I’d love to write something creative..like a story or something. I think if someone put a gun to my head and told me to write a good story, I actually would. And I would have a great time doing it. Or told me to jog, or not eat that cookie, or get up in the morning, or think, or tidy my place, and everything else that I should do, and I would feel good doing, but I don’t…not in the prompt way these things need to be done. What’s the use of lying in bed for half an hour telling myself I should read that paper? Euh..I’m slow. Not good slow. In fact, I’m not slow when I should be. Then I’m all hyper and out of control. How did this happen?
There I go again. Why do you even bother reading? Aliens, I have something to tell you though – if you want to talk to us – you’ve got to make it more obvious. Men don’t get signals or hints. And they don’t take women seriously. And we haven’t figured out space travel. According to our best theories, its probably impossible to go faster than light. Teleportation is our hope. So if you are going to come all the way to make drawings in our fields, why not stay for a bit. Have some tea. Come see me :) I won’t freak out or anything. I’ll be excited, but I won’t freak out. If I put my arms around you, its just a hug, not an attack. Also if you let us know beforehand, we can try out the whole left and right experiment.
Its incredible to be existing yeah. All of this existing, all of us, all of it all. Crazy.
I ’ve never told anyone this before. I couldn’t. I was only eight years old, and I couldn’t voice or put together my feelings or thoughts then. And I didn’t have any best friend whom I told everything. And it was all sort of vague and blurry. But, it was a really wonderful bit of life for me, and I suddenly feel like telling the whole world. I wish it weren’t so cute or corny, but it can’t be helped. It is really personal too, but it was such a long time back it feels like from another life.
I know I was eight because our class put up that dance when I was in the 3rd Std. It was a very lame dance actually, especially compared to the one we did the year before. The year before, we’d danced to Rukmani Rukmani, and we wore these very sexy sarees, draped in a Tamilian way, baring our stomach and all, flowers in our hair, lots of bangles etc. And such a good dance it was. This year we were wearing these silly purple frocks. I wasn’t feeling like my self at all. I didn’t even know the music we were dancing to. Anyway, I was nervous and uncomfortable. We were all lined up backstage, our show was coming up soon.
Back then, there was this boy I sort of had a crush on, only I didn’t know it too well, but I’d feel all fluttery whenever he was around. He was my dad’s friend’s son. And my dad’s friend, this uncle, he was the nicest kindest uncle ever. He had this particular warmth. And his son was so very cute, so skinny. And so boyish, you know and really clever too. I have always had a thing for clever people. I don’t want to tell you his name. Anyway, he was waaayy older than me..I think by some 6 or 7 years. I couldn’t really tell then, I just knew he was in ‘high school’. I didn’t care.
So I was waiting all nervously backstage, feeling a bit of a lump in my throat, and it was so warm and humid. Then suddenly HE, this lanky fellow, turns up from nowhere. It was like a damn dream, these things you only fantasize and hope for. He was supposed to be in a play after our boring cute dance. Pied piper or Peter Pan or something like that. He was with 2 of his friends, and they were being noisy and goofy all over the place. The minute I saw him everything just tumbled upside down. The lump in my throat expanded and sqaushed my brain. I thought he didn’t know me actually, I used to feel kind of invisible mostly. And I wasn’t at his eye level or anything. But he spotted me and he came over and started teasing me about something. God, I felt so good. I couldn’t believe it actually. But, I used to wear a serious personality back then. I think it was only a cover for my social awkwardness, because inside I didn’t feel serious at all. I couldn’t even think when he started joking around, and my immediate outward reaction for some reason was one full of attitude. That still makes me laugh, how snobby I used to get around the boys I liked. I don’t know why, maybe I wanted to look grown up, maybe I was being defensive. All I managed to say was, ‘Stop fooling around’ or something heheh, in my serious tone. He just laughed though, and kept making fun of me with a big grin on his face. Not mean fun, just teasing. Maybe I smiled a little, I hope I did, I must have seemed so stuck up. I can’t even recall what he was saying, I don’t think I even heard him properly. My head was whizzing. Such a mad rush. You know, sometimes I wonder if any of it even happened. I wouldn’t put it past me to just start fantasizing about him out of boredom, and to think it was all real. Or maybe part of it was real, maybe he was there, but never talked to me. I really can’t be sure. But I think it all did happen. I was so in love. Blindly, madly. I was paralysed by it.
I’m not sure I have felt like that since, totally utterly helpless and overcome. I want to though. I want to feel like that again. I’m such a sucker for intensity. I used to think somehow, when I was grown up and pretty and all, I’d marry him. That was the plan. But then, my family, we moved to another city, another country in fact, and there were new distractions. I used to think about it from time to time, but just in passing. His family and he had some rough times later I was told by my mum, but I shouldn’t go into that. Anyway, I got all immensely curious yesterday and wanted to see how he was doing. You know, with Google. And I can’t bring myself to say it, and I don’t know if I should. I don’t know if its infringing on his privacy. It doesn’t feel all that right to share it, but the thing is that nobody knows where he is now. He went missing from his college about 7 years ago. He had gone away himself..he struggled with some depression is what the college news article said his close friends said. And I think they still don’t know. It just feels so scary and draining and sad. You know, that happy boy who made me feel so great..feeling miserable enough to want to go away. I don’t know his story though. If he were miserable or just wanted to be alone or somewhere else, so I’ll refrain from double guessing. Still, it makes me sad. I just really really hope he’s alright and happy. And not too lonely. I wish I could see him again. I don’t know what I’d say or do, but I really wish I could..
Sometimes I like to be freaky, just for the heck of it, like that cold cell madwoman dance stuff. But, really, mostly, I’m happy. I’m a little emotional and I cry easily, and when I’m sad I like to feel the sadness I think. So I was being a little sad earlier today…as is usually the case , I suppose it was just my girl hormones, but I almost always manage to attribute it to something else. And I was listening to some melancholic music…on youtube like. I’m not even a proper romantic who has a well organized music collection from which I could play a playlist for my blues. And I can’t help looking at the comments on youtube…they amuse me..even when I’m depressed..and as a matter of fact, I have learnt a lot of trivia about the world this way. Anyway, so one of the comments on this song video..Angel by Sarah McLachlan I think it was if you’re curious..one of the comments was from a lady who lost her son about 4 years ago..and I can’t remember what exactly the connection to the song was..but reading something like, ‘I lost my son 4 years ago’ really threw me off. It woke me to the reality of things…and to my plain silliness really. So what if I don’t have anyone to come home to..or hold me while I’m sleeping. I haven’t really lost anything or anyone. I haven’t even remotely experienced the kind of sorrow and suffering that so many people undergo. So many animals. If I’m saying ‘why me ?’ now, what would I say then? And I keep forgetting this, like a moron. I need someone or something to constantly remind me of this. Only a while back, my friend Manka said to me ‘you’re not a helpless dog who gets beaten up or tortured’. Really. Imagine that. I keep trying to picture how it must feel to be that dog. How can I forget so easily how good my situation is. I really wish someone would slap me for being such a whino. And in all this whining and wishing and regretting and sobbing, I have forgotten my manners, my principles, to keep smiling and laughing..and that nothing is too bad or brave-able. Ugh.
I must always remember to be happy
Yet never forget your strife.
Maybe we could laugh together
At the joke that is Life.
For the first time in years, I feel like I have nothing to lose. No expectations of me, no one to let down, no pressure. In the gloom that has come over me, this is my hope and my inspiration. In the lethargy of depression, I feel a new excitement. And also contentment, now that there is no use sulking, in whatever I have. I get up my from the corner in my cold cell. I’m stripped down naked, but I don’t shiver. My skin has a renewed warmth and protectiveness. I get up and dance like a happy fool, filling the silence with a song from my soul, a random tune in a weird tongue, lucky to be alive :)
Did I drive you away?
I really like how Chris Martin sings it. Like he got the feeling just right. The dejection, the resignation, the apology, the sad pondering…
Why do I screw a good thing up? Was it really a good thing? Maybe my subconscious knows better..maybe we protect us from ourselves?
I keep coming back to this, how cool our brains are. We clearly don’t use all of it when we think in terms of me, I. And it seems to work on some kind of feedback (I haven’t really looked this up). You know, how dreams sometimes have sort of a proper story line..and a proper ending, an ending with a twist, that it should have known about already in the beginning. Maybe it doesn’t, but it does seem to have a loopy quality to it. And it feels as if it has a built in defense mechanism, a mental immunity , to get us out of situations that aren’t really good for us. To reject undesirable bodies introduced in the system.
That’s comforting.
We could take the analogy further, and consider allergies. Normally alright situations and people, seemingly harmless, even logically good for us…we like them, but then we get a violent reaction to them? Or they get a violent reaction to us.
My allergies are part of me too.
It could hurt. It seems unfair. You are at the beach, everyone’s having seafood. You’d love some prawns, but you can’t have any. You get a swollen eye if you do. Its annoying, its frustrating. But what’s to be done? Well, have some chicken, friends might say, or your favourite dessert. They’re right, its only a prawn after all.
But sometimes, its hard to fight the temptation. And sometimes, you are unaware of your peculiar allergies.
I didn’t know. And I saw sparks :) So I had some. My eyes puffed up.
Allergies can be dangerous, but mostly can be dealt with. Take some antihistamine, and give yourself lots of time to recover. Bitch about it a little, think about it a little. But keep yourself entertained, occupied, don’t dwell on it. It’ll go down eventually, sooner than you think. And keep off the prawns, are they worth it?
I feel so great. Free again. My good old self again. Really, there’s nothing like good friends. Amazing friends. To make you feel alive. To wake you up. Life’s wonderful.
You know who you are, I love you all. Thank you so much.
I don’t even feel the need to go on with this blog, but I will, let’s see where I go.
Woohooooo :)
I have this big need for recognition, appreciation, admiration, validation. Do you too? I guess everyone does, to some degree.
I want to feel good about myself. Maybe this is what causes the desire to be right all the time. It makes me feel like a better person. I don’t really feel pretty or very funny or charming or particularly talented at anything. But its like I try to make up for it by being good, by being right…when I was a kid, I only got appreciated for being clever, for being able to figure things out. So I used that, to be nice to people, to make them happy, to make friends, to have all the answers. But I don’t need to do that. I don’t need a particular reason to be loved. This isn’t really why people who love me love me, though it might have helped initiate some bonds. But why do I need a reason to love myself? Do I look for reasons in loving others? I don’t know, but I don’t like to think so. So then do I not have faith in others’ ability to see me and love me just for the human being that I am? I do I think. I see it around me. And I myself am a sucker for the raw love thing. I just don’t know why I can’t give it to myself, unconditionally.
We love babies and children like that yeah. We don’t expect anything from them. We encourage them, we laud them even when they make mistakes, we nurture and care for them, we hug them and are patient with them. They make us laugh, they make us happy, they let us give. But we are all babies in a sense. We are all innocent in a larger context yeah?
A tangent: We are all innocent in a larger context yeah? We only have 5 sense organs, we only see in 3D. We have the gift of imagination but so do children. If we lived to be 300, a 70 year old man might not be the wisest…or..maybe that’s how lifespans work..maybe lifespan and learning are inter-dependent. Maybe, with our rate of learning, we reach learning saturation by the time we are 70,80..so living another 230 years wouldn’t make much of a difference. Or if we did live 300 years, then maybe the learning rate redistributes itself so that we reach the saturation at 250 or so. Like a 10 year old dog is wise. A 1-day old mayfly is wise (I suppose). So is this why at 23 I feel like I probably have the wisdom of my grandmother when she was 15? Has our slightly prolonged lifespan affected our learning? (Of course it could just well be that I’m an idiot, but its worth considering:)).
You know, as I’m writing I’m thinking I do love myself after all..its just the way I show it to myself is not so obvious to me. So I think I’ll try being easier on myself, more nurturing, less critical, less judgemental, more affectionate. I’m in such a hurry to go out of me, to contribute, to interact with the world..but I should remember not to neglect myself in my excitement. My life should start with me yeah?
