My belief in God, but not so much my faith, just my belief in the existence of a personal God..has been fluctuating a lot this past year. I even put away my tiny Jesus Christ picture that I have always had under my pillow since I was eight or so, only to retrieve it every once in a while when I felt weak or scared. It has been the constant in my life and I am emotionally dependant on it..especially during periods of crises, which is almost every now and then of late. In the first pangs of doubt, I reasoned that even if a personal God did not exist, I have the need to believe in one (for strength or whatever), and so I’m just gonna go right ahead and believe. Once I accepted that, however, my need to believe reduced. In fact, the idea of no God began to appeal to me. And then I reasoned that I should learn to depend more on myself and not some higher power, and whatever goes wrong or right that is out of my hands, I can put down to just sheer luck and the ups and downs of life. It’s a more responsible way of approaching life. Blah blah blah. Anyway, it’s safe to say that I’m basically agnostic now. Though at times, I feel strongly atheistic and at others, theistic and at yet others, something else…spiritual in a different way..I guess it just depends on which part of my brain is active (or inactive) at the time.
Anyway, taking an average of all these moments and those in which I don’t give a damn at all, I could call myself agnostic for now. That’s not what I wanted to talk about though. What I wanted to talk about and still want to is praying. Which I had conveniently stopped doing, in the way I used to always do it. But a relic remained. The fossil of my prayers include:-
1. a certain amount of faith that everything is okay and will continue to remain so
2. pleading tearfully to God during times of desperation.
3. a sense of gratitude
4. praying for others if they are having a tough time or starting on something new or in a risky situation or if they just happen to be my brother.
I don’t do that consciously all the time, but after years of doing that it’s there in my head somewhere. I only do it consciously when it resurfaces or for special occasions when I make a mental note of what I need to pray for. What I have come to realise and what I wanted to say is that I still should make it a point to pray consciously, daily, God or no God. Especially for #4.,,,,#1,2,3 I am bound to do more easily, but they serve only myself. #4 is what reminds me that there are others, and that they are going about life like me too, that I can do something for them even if it’s just wishing them well, that I am capable of kind thoughts and empathy. It always snaps me out of my own bubble. Leading a more or less individual life can increase more of this alone in my world feeling. Maybe for others who live with a lot of people, with children and family maybe, #1,2,3 help to gain some alone-time. #4 is still great for perspective. And cultivating kindness. I mean, there are other ways to cultivate kindness of course, for example, by actually doing something kind. But kind thoughts lead to kind actions, and even if they don’t..sometimes you can’t do anything else…it is good I think to remember that we are kind of kind. Kindness is one of those rare things that anybody can have, at any point. Just like that. It’s free! And freeing! :D
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OK so I thought about it some more…. it’s a good way to like yourself but I don’t think in an ego-stroking way. It’s this fraternal feeling. I always feel calm when I pray for others…I feel strong, like a giver, not always taking or asking. But I’m asking for someone else…and they are asking for me, and I get this sense of we are all in it together…hmm…ok..I’m off again.
