Anyway, taking an average of all these moments and those in which I don’t give a damn at all, I could call myself agnostic for now. That’s not what I wanted to talk about though. What I wanted to talk about and still want to is praying. Which I had conveniently stopped doing, in the way I used to always do it. But a relic remained. The fossil of my prayers include:-

1. a certain amount of faith that everything is okay and will continue to remain so

2. pleading tearfully to God during times of desperation.

3. a sense of gratitude

4. praying for others if they are having a tough time or starting on something new or in a risky situation or if they just happen to be my brother.

I don’t do that consciously all the time, but after years of doing that it’s there in my head somewhere. I only do it consciously when it resurfaces or for special occasions when I make a mental note of what I need to pray for. What I have come to realise and what I wanted to say is that I still should make it a point to pray consciously, daily, God or no God. Especially for #4.,,,,#1,2,3 I am bound to do more easily, but they serve only myself. #4 is what reminds me that there are others, and that they are going about life like me too, that I can do something for them even if it’s just wishing them well, that I am capable of kind thoughts and empathy. It always snaps me out of my own bubble. Leading a more or less individual life can increase more of this alone in my world feeling. Maybe for others who live with a lot of people, with children and family maybe, #1,2,3 help to gain some alone-time. #4 is still great for perspective. And cultivating kindness. I mean, there are other ways to cultivate kindness of course, for example, by actually doing something kind. But kind thoughts lead to kind actions, and even if they don’t..sometimes you can’t do anything else…it is good I think to remember that we are kind of kind. Kindness is one of those rare things that anybody can have, at any point. Just like that. It’s free! And freeing! :D

——

OK so I thought about it some more…. it’s a good way to like yourself but I don’t think in an ego-stroking way. It’s this fraternal feeling. I always feel calm when I pray for others…I feel strong, like a giver, not always taking or asking. But I’m asking for someone else…and they are asking for me, and I get this sense of we are all in it together…hmm…ok..I’m off again.

made for each other,

complimenting and enhancing

and so much fun :)

Delicious and refreshing and comforting.

Kind of half-assed without the other,

even though each is so full on their own,

giving away no clues of a need of a partner.

True love. Good love. Accidental soul mates.

Softening one, and doing something inexplicable to the other.

Anyway, a whole a whole lot greater than the sum of its parts.

……………………………………………………………………………….

And then when Biscuit is gone, its still there in Tea,

who by now is a bit cold, but richer in a way and quiet.

Not the hot bubbly thing she used to be.

Solemnly, fondly longing for Biscuit …but its okay she tells herself ,

she’s going to be gone soon too.

Do you also get those voices in your head…like when you mumble to yourself at night when you’re tired…and I catch myself saying ‘I love you’ ‘I love you too sweetie’ ‘really?’ ‘yeah :)’. It’s not creepy really, it’s just one of those automatic compulsive conversations in my head. Do you also get those? (-I do. -really? – yeah…lol)

Anyway I’m drifting off the original intent of this post.. see there are these two quotes that I like a lot:

1. Falling in love with your self is the beginning of a lifelong romance  – Oscar Wilde

2. Love me the most when I deserve it the least, because that’s when I really need it – Dunno who

I always have #2 in mind, actually more with respect to others than to myself, that is #2 being a plea to me rather than a plea of mine. Anyway, combining 1 and 2 brings me to why I need to love myself the most now. Coz I really feel like I don’t deserve it. But I think I’m being nice to myself and more patient than I would have been earlier. I’m learning something. That’s for sure. Because I think I’m in one of the worst self created situations in my life, I haven’t felt so pressured or guilty ever, and yet I am actually also in a happy place. Not entirely of course, but I’m pretty happy in many ways. Actually given the circumstances, I don’t think I could be any happier. Still though I’m not doing very well. I’m anxious and very negative. And want to run away from it all. But I won’t.

—-

Addendum: That conversation I have is a relic, one I used to have on a nightly basis with my mother, and still do when I get to be home. I guess I just miss having someone say that to me, with that much truth in it. It’s comforting, it makes me feel safe.

These opposing perspectives can be confusing, do I behave like I am insignificant or do I behave like I am the boss of it all? Maybe an in-between take…I guess that’s what most of us resort to.. a middle stance between mattering and non-mattering. Things matter, but then nothing matters. It’s a good thing we die, otherwise the insignificance would rot us. Yes, better to keep making fresher batches of life that feel like the bomb themselves.

Still, what surprises me sometimes, is the finiteness of our world as we know it. Sometimes it feels infinite, but it isn’t. 7 billion people. Not infinite. 150 million square kilometers of land. 24 hours in a day. Michael Jackson, Gandhi, Obama, Osama, Newton, Einstein, Jesus, Mohammed, Pamela Anderson. We all know them. There may have been a time when the world was more apart and scattered and news travelled slower, but now it seems like a really really small place. It seems to be, effectively, just one big ghetto. And we all go about doing our own things, our own nothings, creating and trying to solve our problems, others’ problems, fighting with one another, bonding with one another. Helping, hating, gossiping. Feeling important and unimportant and helpless and instrumental and massively confused all at once.

Mais t’inquiete pas! Je suis amusant en francais aussi =D Mais un peut plus simple, moin complex, moin de trucs au hazards. Par example, je vais essayer un rigolo en francais….err.. non, peut etre la prochaine fois. Ma tete me fait mal quand je pense en francais. C’est pas normal pour ma tete les sonds rrrrrrrrr et jjjj et aaannn etc et les silence de lettres quand ils plait. C’est comme une mer calme, les sonds, il me fait seasick…malade de mer? voila..

C’est suffit pour maintentant, mais je vais revenir!! Bisous :)

I was going somewhere, but I can’t remember where. I need to go back to being very basic and boring, in the sense that I don’t

take an interest in all the distractions that surround me. This is the only way I know to get something substantial done. This is the only way

I seem to be able to focus, unfortunately.

This thought is under construction, going back to trying to focus.

————————————–

Jul 16 2011 22:00

Really need to simplify my life. It’s hard to say no. Especially to going out and being social.

I need to be home more. And not on the computer (unless it’s work related). And less daydreaming. And less going out for coffee on my own.

Keep it simple. The fewer procrastination options I allow myself, the more I’ll work.

So I’m staying home tonight even though it’s a Saturday and a bunch of friends and others are going out.

I’m having soup and toast and green peas for dinner. Will study for a bit and wind up for the day with a movie in bed.

Sounds pretty good actually :)