Sometimes you just need someone to give you a tight hug and say ‘Everything’s going to be okay, you’re going to be fine’. And if there’s no one around to give you that, when you need it, you need to step up and tell your self that. Very much like massages. Yeah, reach your hand back and press that magic spot. It may not be as satisfying as someone else telling you, touching you…but it’s still comforting. This may also lead to a very mild form of split personality, being the you and the I at the same time.

Do you also get those voices in your head…like when you mumble to yourself at night when you’re tired…and I catch myself saying ‘I love you’ ‘I love you too sweetie’ ‘really?’ ‘yeah :)’. It’s not creepy really, it’s just one of those automatic compulsive conversations in my head. Do you also get those? (-I do. -really? – yeah…lol)

Anyway I’m drifting off the original intent of this post.. see there are these two quotes that I like a lot:

1. Falling in love with your self is the beginning of a lifelong romanceĀ  – Oscar Wilde

2. Love me the most when I deserve it the least, because that’s when I really need it – Dunno who

I always have #2 in mind, actually more with respect to others than to myself, that is #2 being a plea to me rather than a plea of mine. Anyway, combining 1 and 2 brings me to why I need to love myself the most now. Coz I really feel like I don’t deserve it. But I think I’m being nice to myself and more patient than I would have been earlier. I’m learning something. That’s for sure. Because I think I’m in one of the worst self created situations in my life, I haven’t felt so pressured or guilty ever, and yet I am actually also in a happy place. Not entirely of course, but I’m pretty happy in many ways. Actually given the circumstances, I don’t think I could be any happier. Still though I’m not doing very well. I’m anxious and very negative. And want to run away from it all. But I won’t.

—-

Addendum: That conversation I have is a relic, one I used to have on a nightly basis with my mother, and still do when I get to be home. I guess I just miss having someone say that to me, with that much truth in it. It’s comforting, it makes me feel safe.

Opposing perspectives. In the world’s eye, I’m so tiny, just an insignificant drop in the ocean. But in mine, I’m nearly everything, I’m the center, so big. Sometimes, it seems to me like that is the whole purpose of life, so that the universe can sample itself locally, magnifying things at different scales. Every scale matters.

These opposing perspectives can be confusing, do I behave like I am insignificant or do I behave like I am the boss of it all? Maybe an in-between take…I guess that’s what most of us resort to.. a middle stance between mattering and non-mattering. Things matter, but then nothing matters. It’s a good thing we die, otherwise the insignificance would rot us. Yes, better to keep making fresher batches of life that feel like the bomb themselves.

Still, what surprises me sometimes, is the finiteness of our world as we know it. Sometimes it feels infinite, but it isn’t. 7 billion people. Not infinite. 150 million square kilometers of land. 24 hours in a day. Michael Jackson, Gandhi, Obama, Osama, Newton, Einstein, Jesus, Mohammed, Pamela Anderson. We all know them. There may have been a time when the world was more apart and scattered and news travelled slower, but now it seems like a really really small place. It seems to be, effectively, just one big ghetto. And we all go about doing our own things, our own nothings, creating and trying to solve our problems, others’ problems, fighting with one another, bonding with one another. Helping, hating, gossiping. Feeling important and unimportant and helpless and instrumental and massively confused all at once.

J’ai eu une bonne idee hier soir – Je vais ecrire en Francais! Mon francais..c’est merde, mais ca va, je peut apprendre comme ca. Je voudrais developer concepts et engage plus que le simple conversation en francais. Je lire rien en francais sauf les phrase sur cartons et a la supermarche et par fois les emails a travaill, donc ces posts vont etre plein d’erreurs. Je veux pas verifier mes phrases avec google traduction toujours, alors pardonnez moi et n’hesitez pas me signe si tu (tu peux me tutoyer), si tu note quelque erreurs ou tu connais un meilleur facon a dire le meme chose.

Mais t’inquiete pas! Je suis amusant en francais aussi =D Mais un peut plus simple, moin complex, moin de trucs au hazards. Par example, je vais essayer un rigolo en francais….err.. non, peut etre la prochaine fois. Ma tete me fait mal quand je pense en francais. C’est pas normal pour ma tete les sonds rrrrrrrrr et jjjj et aaannn etc et les silence de lettres quand ils plait. C’est comme une mer calme, les sonds, il me fait seasick…malade de mer? voila..

C’est suffit pour maintentant, mais je vais revenir!! Bisous :)

humbling. very very humbling..

Jul 16 2011 16:30

I was going somewhere, but I can’t remember where. I need to go back to being very basic and boring, in the sense that I don’t

take an interest in all the distractions that surround me. This is the only way I know to get something substantial done. This is the only way

I seem to be able to focus, unfortunately.

This thought is under construction, going back to trying to focus.

————————————–

Jul 16 2011 22:00

Really need to simplify my life. It’s hard to say no. Especially to going out and being social.

I need to be home more. And not on the computer (unless it’s work related). And less daydreaming. And less going out for coffee on my own.

Keep it simple. The fewer procrastination options I allow myself, the more I’ll work.

So I’m staying home tonight even though it’s a Saturday and a bunch of friends and others are going out.

I’m having soup and toast and green peas for dinner. Will study for a bit and wind up for the day with a movie in bed.

Sounds pretty good actually :)

I wish to be seen

to be known

to be touched.

To be held

to be teased

to be loved.

I wish to see, to know, to touch.

To hold, to tease, to love.

Truth is I like quotes, and I just happened to see this one, which I can so relate to:

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.

-Agatha Christie